Dec. 17, 2025
The Soul Doesn’t Get Dementia: Connecting Beyond Words in Caregiving
In this episode, I sit down with dementia counselor, educator, and author Tami Anastasia for a deeply meaningful conversation about what really drives behavior in dementia care. We go beyond surface-level symptoms and talk about the powerful role personal history, emotional patterns, and past trauma play once the brain can no longer filter or suppress them. This is one of those conversations that can completely change how you see dementia caregiving.
Tami joins me to discuss her newest book, Dementia Caregiving & Personal History: How to Help Cope, Connect, and Heal, and why this journey—painful as it is—can also be an opportunity for healing for both caregivers and those living with dementia. We explore how connection replaces correction, why the soul does not get dementia, and how caregivers can respond with empathy, reassurance, and boundaries instead of guilt
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – When words fail, how caregivers can still connect by speaking to the soul
[1:26] – Introducing Tami Anastasia and her work in dementia counseling and education
[3:27] – Why dementia behaviors often connect to unresolved personal history
[6:45] – How past trauma resurfaces when coping mechanisms disappear
[9:01] – Caring for someone who didn’t take care of you—and setting boundaries
[12:11] – Using personalized language to reduce agitation and fear
[16:16] – Honoring identity and work history in dementia care
[19:02] – Caregiver guilt, grief, and the emotional weight of placement decisions
[24:23] – Fear-based family histories and nighttime paranoia
[29:16] – Personality traits intensifying as dementia progresses
[31:56] – Listening to emotional themes, not just words
[34:56] – The power of non-verbal connection when language breaks down
[38:01] – Giving caregivers permission to acknowledge their limits
[40:05] – How to find Tami’s books and upcoming audiobook release
Links & Resources:
Tami Anastasia's Book Dementia, Caregiving, and Personal History: How to Help, Cope, Connect, and Heal: https://a.co/d/4qoXZ2d
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference.
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When the brain fails and words fail, what remains alive always is their soul, and we can always speak to the soul. We've got sensory grounding, tapping into the different senses, but people get so caught up in you can't rationalize, you can't use logic, but I can connect and talk
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to their soul.
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Yeah, the soul does not get dementia.
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No, it does not.
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And so when words fail, then now we speak to the soul.
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Hello and welcome to season four of dementia discussions. I would really like to take a moment to thank the guests who were on this past year, and to thank you the listener. I really could not do this show without you. And over the past couple of years, some of you have called me, so I am encouraging more of you pick up the phone and call me. I'm accessible, and I'm so eager to hear your story. I'm at 310-362-8232, or you can email me at dementia discussions.net so again, thank you. I'm grateful for you and so looking forward to another year of us being together. You am Hello and welcome to dementia discussions, the podcast for and about caregivers today on the show, I am thrilled to welcome back Tammy Anastasia. Tammy is a dementia counselor and educator.
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She provides individual counseling, family counseling, caregiver support, guidance and, really importantly, strategies.
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She leads caregiver support groups, much like I do and and leads workshops, workshops on Zoom and in person. She speaks at retirement communities and assisted living communities, memory care units. And she speaks at professional conferences, which is where I met Tammy a couple of years ago in Santa Rosa, at the aging Life Care Association Conference, which is the National Association for all of us care managers. And she is the author of now three books, two on dementia. Her first one we've talked about on this show before, which is essential strategies for the dementia caregiver, learning to pace yourself. And today we're going to be talking about her new book, so exciting, dementia caregiving, a personal history, how to help cope, connect and heal. So Tammy, without further ado, great to have you back.
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Thanks for Barbara. Good, good to see you, and thank you for that nice introduction.
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Oh, it's a mouthful. Oh, my goodness gracious, yeah. Well, it's great to have you. And I know publishing a book is no easy task, so congratulations. Thank you monumental.
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Thank you. Yep, it is a process, but there's a lot of value in the process,
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absolutely, and this is so interesting, the fact that you're bringing in personal history. So tell me a little bit about how you came to publish this book, this idea that you came up with, I'm sure it kind of there was a pattern you saw developing in your work, and you decided to write about it. So tell us how that how that happened.
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Yeah, so in my private practice, there's just certain things that continue to come up over and over that I see across the board. And one of the things that occurs frequently is, well, because of my background in counseling psych, we have a tendency when a person living with dementia has behavior we call them behavior issues. There's a tendency just to dismiss it that, oh, this is just because they have dementia.
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And when I go exploring to get more information about the behavior, and I also have the family caregiver tell me verbatim what their loved one is saying. There's often a connection to a past that's related to the behavior, and I would say 98% of the time I will identify it. It might be an abandonment issue, it might be rejection issues. That might be physical, emotional and sexual abuse, and often that will resurface as a result of dementia, because those repressed memories now no longer are able to be repressed or suppressed, right? And they'll come to the surface because they're much more vulnerable, and long term memory stays intact much longer than short term memory with many different kinds of dementia. And so once we can identify the personal connection and the history, we can also personalize the care more specifically. But really why? The real reason I wrote this book is because the dementia journey is an opportunity for us to heal old wounds and the person living with dementia as well as the caregiver, and so we could provide language to the person who suffered emotional abuse or physical abuse or neglect, and now we can give them the language, you're safe. I love you. We'll take care of you.
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We'll protect you. This is language they may never, ever, ever, ever heard in their whole lifetime, especially as a young person, and now we get to be able to say that to them, and maybe we bring a little peace to the soul before they die. And then you have the caregiver who has their own issues and triggers, which I spend a lot of time with in my private practice, dealing with the caregivers triggers and how we can use this journey as an opportunity to heal wounds within themselves. They might be taking care of somebody who was abusive to them, they might be taking care of somebody who was neglectful, who abandoned them, right? And so how do we use the dementia journey to heal their wounds as well? So that's really the crux of what motivated me, because I get this wonderful opportunity to bring a different perspective to my private clients, and I can see the changes, and I can see the transformation that occurs. And what a lovely opportunity to take something that's so negative and so awful and so hard and so challenging, and maybe we can still change the lives of the person who is, you know, who has, yeah, and it's
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interesting, yeah, because I think you're absolutely right, a person who's exhibiting agitation, or, you know, delusions, right? You're just, you are saying, Oh, it's just the disease. Yeah, this is what happens in dementia. But no one's really piecing together the why or the content of the delusion, right, or the agitation to figure out, oh, wait a minute, there's some thread of truth. There is some thread of history that goes that makes us right. It makes sense, like what's happening in their mind, yes, yeah, you're right, like the filter is kind of gone.
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Though it's gone, yeah, these things kind of come out full bloom, yeah, and
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it's not just the filter, but our coping mechanisms with dementia has no ability to access the coping mechanisms they once relied on to manage or hide or regulate the emotions that's gone so everything comes to the surface.
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So when you're caring for a loved one with dementia, and they're they're delusional, or they're agitated or they're anxious, and they're telling us things, we need to listen to what they're telling us, because again, there is often a reality to what they've experienced that they are reliving now because of dementia. And keep in mind, they confuse the past with the present. So you have this overlap, these feelings, these memories, come to the surface, and we are the bridge between the past and the present. We are the people who are going that we could provide a sense of safety and security and comfort for the person living with dementia and and not just dismiss it as, oh, you know, it's just random symptoms of dementia. It's not,
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all right.
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Oftentimes it's not, yeah. As matter of fact, I did a podcast with an old friend who she did a play one woman show, and it was taking care of people who don't, who didn't take care of you and that and how hard that is, right? Yes, taking care of the people who didn't take care of you, yeah?
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Yeah, yeah. And I have several chapters of that in my book, giving the caregiver permission not to or if you decide to, how to set boundaries, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, how to protect yourself better if you choose to do it. That is a real significant part of the book as well, because we have a dynamic relationship pre dementia, and then we have this relationship now that shifts and changes because of dementia, and it's very easy for your buttons to get pushed. For example, I was taking I was talking to a client, and her mother was an alcoholic, but mom stopped drinking and got dementia, but now mom's dementia behaviors reminds the caregiver, the daughter, like mom is an alcoholic, so her buttons are getting pushed all over the place, and we could process, you know. The fact that she had a mother that had alcoholism, and then how do we deal with her mother not having alcoholism, but has behaviors that remind her of because of the dementia, right? Yeah, can't ignore that past or the history of the person with the with that's caregiving, and we cannot ignore the person who has the history that has dementia, right and right dementia, right, exactly, and we'll see this care let me give you another example. I see it a lot when we move the loved one to a care community. Recent one was we moved husband, moved his wife to a care community.
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I'll be a good girl. Why are you doing this to me? I'll be a good girl. I'm so sorry. I was a bad just went on and on and on and on. And sure enough, father was an alcoholic and told her she was a bad girl. And even worse, when she was a bad girl, they put her out in front of the front door, and she'd have to sleep out in front overnight.
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Oh, goodness. So she's thinking, I'm being punished. I'm a bad girl. Husband, that's right.
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Yeah. What a gift to learn, and then I could coach him on how to deal with those responses. But even better, we taught the care community. We told them about the history, we gave them different language, and that behavior has subsided. She's not saying, Be a good girl anymore.
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I mean, it's not 100% but it's way decreased, right? I did a support group last week, and the wife said to me, my husband asked me, what, what did I do that was so bad that that you put me here, right? I didn't have to know anything. I just by any chance, did his did he come from a very critical background?
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She was, Oh, my God, totally. So he's thinking he was a bad boy and that now she put him there because he wasn't a nice enough husband or whatever, right? We give her the language and the care community the language and what a shift in how we are comforting now a person living with dementia, but what a gift We're able now to give more strategies personalized for the caregiver to give.
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Let's talk about that a little bit, the strategies that you're that you're saying, like the language that you're giving people specifically, what is some of that language like you were saying before? You were referencing You're You're safe now, wanting to take care of you, those sorts of things.
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What's the language that you give people when?
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So a lot of it's really validating the emotion and with it. So if I say, let's say to the my client, you know, I'm wondering if there was abuse. I'm wondering if there's abandonment issues, once we know that specific, then the language can be, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm so sorry.
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I'm here to protect you. I love you. My life is better because you're in it. You know, we have these emotional patterns, and the emotional patterns, depending on the emotional pattern, also equips us on how to respond. So you have the reassurance seeking person, you know, wanting, where are you going when you coming back?
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That's often a person who's having separation anxiety. You might leave me, you might not come back. They often have a past where they were just left and didn't know whether somebody was coming back or not, then you have the self reliant, independent and it's super important that they feel capable and that we are strategic, that we give them the impression that they're still in control, that this is what they can do, and the way we strategize with that is, you're so good at such and such, let's do it this way, rather than saying no to them, right? Right? Then you then you have. You know, approval seeking. Approval seeking is often a fear of abandonment, right? What I just said, You're a good girl. They want more and more praise, because if I am praised, you may not leave me.
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If I'm bad, you may leave me. So the language really depends on what the emotional the emotional pattern is, as well as the history. But some basic, general responses is, you're safe. I'm going to protect you. I love you. We're going to do this together. I love spending time with you all the reassurance is across the board, something that's very good regardless of what the history is. Right?
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Instead of saying that never happened, this and that, and we get into this argument, we correct them. And that's what's nice about this, is that when we recognize the back story, when we recognize the personal history, it really does transform care from correction to connection, and that is all about validating what the emotion is and not get caught up in the words as much as what's the emotion. Emotion behind the behavior, and when we validate that emotion and then provide that reassuring response, I won't be I won't leave you. I will always love you, these are reassuring things that they never heard, probably when they were younger, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
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you remind me of a client we moved actually, he was living in assisted living, and he had dementia. Assisted Living was saying, You know what, he really needs to move into the memory care unit.
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Family didn't want to do that, but they decided, yes, okay, we they would. And so moved him into the Dementia Care Unit, which is smaller, right? So they decided that the room where they would all meet for activities.
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It was a small room. It was his boardroom. This guy was an executive, yeah, very successful. And they decided that was the board room. The the director of the unit would bring. That was his office. You know, he would sit with him, with the director, and they made it like his workspace. Yes, he needed to come to meetings every day, and they gave him a purpose. It was perfect. Yes, they really played into, you know, the work persona that this guy had exactly. Yeah, it was, it was great. It was, I mean, it was his work history. It wasn't his, you know, childhood history.
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But that's our identity, our work histories. A lot of our identity, we can't dismiss that either. You know, one of the things I'll ask in my private practice is, what did, what did they do for a living?
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That is a beautiful example of exactly what we want to do is tap into that identity, tap into that work history, that that example you gave, makes me smile. It makes my it makes my heart sing.
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Yeah, no, it works. So then when you come to see someone, they're right, they're feeling good. They're not feeling like, Oh, my family, you know, they locked me up in here. I mean, that's not, that's no one wants that. No one wants that. Yeah, no
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one wants that.
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But, you know, remember, the brain is going to distort reality. The brain is going to misperceive reality. And, you know, both you and I hear that a lot, you know, they just locked me up in here. They don't love me anymore, right? They abandoned me exactly.
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It was just how the caregiver feels. And this absolutely, yeah, I have abandoned my my husband, yeah, yeah.
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And, you know, I tell people, you know, love forces us to make some very, very difficult decisions. Just because your loved one with dementia doesn't understand, it doesn't mean that you did a bad thing. The caregivers struggle immensely with the guilt. Oh, that's probably the number one thing I deal with in my private practice is the enormous guilt that I'm doing this horrible thing, when in reality, it takes so much love to be able to move them that you have to really know in your heart of hearts, we aren't doing any harm or damage to them. The harm and damage that's being done is the dementia, right, and you're just trying to manage and their needs increase a lot as dementia progresses, and you know, one person can't do it alone anymore, so unless you have the financial means to support them at home, which many people don't, then the other option is we have to place them somewhere, but either way, the caregiver needs to know, acts of love can be very painful, but your choices are not wrong. It's probably what is best for both you and the person you're taking care of. It's just painful, but painful, yeah, it doesn't mean you're a horrible person, and the caregivers often feel horrible. Yes, it's painful, but you're not a horrible person, right? You know, love, unfortunately forces us to make some very, very painful, difficult decisions that love doesn't stop because we move them. It's just a painful decision.
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Yeah, yeah, I know we talk about that too.
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Moving day, probably one of the worst days, one of the most difficult days of your marriage, yeah, or, you know, if it's your parent, I mean, it's such a difficult day, it is, and know that, and you know, feel it right, grieve. I mean, they had one caregiver who moved her husband into a silly and it was just for a week to give her respite. Yeah, she got in her car and bawled and bawled and bawled, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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They feel like you said. They feel they're abandoning their loved one. They feel rejection. And let me, let me say this, and the caregiver may have had that experience, and therefore that feels more real, right? I'm abandoning me and banding in my loved one in the same way I was abandoned, right? Or I'm neglecting them in the same way I was neglected.
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And it's not it. The circumstances are very. Very, very different, yeah, but that will blend too, right? So it's hard, right? And I don't take lightly. I know I have it down to the second they drop their loved one off. Who's gonna, who's gonna greet them, what's the plan? And we, I mean, we spend weeks on preparing for that move because it is so dramatic and difficult.
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Yeah, yeah. So let's get back to your book and some strategies that you were talking about. And you had kind of mentioned this a little bit before, but you were saying really listening to what the content is of what a person with dementia is saying, and identifying what support they really need, what are some of the issues that you're sort of tackling? And you had mentioned a little bit about abusive families and where there's maybe infidelity, like, let's talk a little bit about that, what, what the person with dementia might be saying and and how you're counseling the caregiver?
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Yeah, so a lot of it is when I'm working with a private client, which is often the family caregiver. I have them verbatim, tell me and actually kind of role play their loved one. And there's a tone, there's there's specifics, there's certain language that I'm listening for that allows me to kind of go exploring. So you kind of got this double edged sword. You have a symptom called paranoia and accusations that are part of dementia anyway, and then you have a personal history, and sometimes person will be accused of things that maybe never happened in their relationship, but they could have happened infidelity for one, betrayal for another, or again. Right, abuse, verbal neglect, abandonment, rejection, huge, right and what can happen again, because they confuse the past with the present, it can be very difficult to decipher what is true and what is not true. So if you go exploring in the past and we find out, Oh my gosh, an accusation or a paranoia really did happen that is going to be information that's going to be super important. Oh, another one is stealing. There are many people who've had family steal from them, partners and business steal from them, and then they get dementia and they're accusing you of stealing, and you haven't stolen the dime.
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You're not stealing anything, right, right? So either, either way, even if there is a truth to it or there's not a truth to it, we still have to respond as though there was a truth to it.
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When there is a truth to it, it just makes it easier for us to understand when there's not a truth to it, and it truly is progression of dementia. Either way, we're responding as though it's true, because the person with dementia believes what their mind tells them. But it's super impactful when the caregiver says, Oh my God, because now it's not just dementia right now, they can believe it or not. They can handle it. They don't take it as personal, whereas, when there's no personal history to it, the caretaker, caretaker takes it very personally, very hard not to take their accusations personally. But really it's all about the brain progressing and the brain malfunctioning. The brain cells are dying. They're shrinking, right? So it's either way, we still have to respond, but when I can say, Well, no wonder they think this, because they're going to believe it. And a delusion is not necessarily a delusion. It happened. What makes it a delusion is that the timing is not happening now. So there's some peace of mind of understanding, connection to the past that allows the caregiver to respond and feel a little differently when there is some truth than when it's just an accusation. Because when you have a history, they become much more empathetic, right? They become much more understanding
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with a case just like this, that you're describing this family that I've been working with Yes, where you're Yes, that's exactly right. The wife who has dementia grew up in a very fear based family, right? Fear The world is a scary place, yeah, and you know, there was love there. But also, you know, don't trust it's a very distrustful don't trust men. Don't trust people. So now, with year right, decades later, parents are long gone. She is very she she wakes up in the middle of the night. She thinks there are men. She sees. Meant she'll look at me if we're going for a walk on in the yard. Do you see there's, do you see those men there? Of course, there's no men there. Then she'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking her husband is, you know, there, or either her husband or other you know, there are people at the house.
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They're lurking. They're there.
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She has so much fear. It's really sad. And her husband does recognize, like, this is her, her history, her family history.
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So he is more empathic, you know, not just dismissing it, right? It helps make, helps with him, you know, kind of being reassuring and comforting her, arm around her, I'm here.
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There's no one. There are no men here. I'm not. No one's here to kill us. No, you know that sort of thing, so you're right. Yeah.
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It says yeah, there's a
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personal history, a context. It puts it into a context that, wow, my loved one is reliving this, yes, and was this where it comes from? Yeah, yeah. So it really shifts the thinking, the shift in thinking we go from why are they being so difficult, right?
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To what can I do to support them? Very different in how we how that that shift psychologically, emotionally and mentally, makes a difference for the caregiver, right? Because we get so angry, like they're being so difficult. They're not being difficult. They are protecting themselves. Nine times out of 10, it's protecting themselves or it's so fear based, right?
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Real or not real for them, it feels real. And that's a beautiful again. Example that you brought up of understanding that he can be much more empathetic, he can respond and be more validating. He can give her the reassurance she needs, right? Is this going to solve everything? No, no, dementia. Is dementia, right? Yeah, but we're just trying to do our best to understand the behaviors. What could possibly be behind the behaviors, and it's not just because they have dementia.
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There is a history that's often attached to a behavior, and it shifts our thinking and how we strategize to a point, right? Do we have all the answers?
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No, no. Do we still need medication? Of course, yes. Still need medication to help with the agitation, the sleeplessness at night.
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Yeah, absolutely. And now you bring up another great point, and the other thing that happens when we lose our ability to tap into those coping mechanisms. Guess what comes to the surface too, underlying personality characteristics, you know, again, the emotional patterns that I talk about. All of this comes to the surface because I don't have ways now to distract myself, to throw myself into a book or to go shopping or to go walking, right? All those coping mechanisms are not accessible anymore, so these underlying personality traits come to the surface. And I think there's a lot of people who have not ever been diagnosed, because I've always known how to control it, right, right? And now people say, my I've never seen my loved one this way. They never behaved this way. Well, they might have known how to control the anger.
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They might have known how to control the anxiety. They had medication for it, or they had things in place, and now I can't tap into that, so the fear is off the chart, the personality, the anger is off the chart, because I don't have ways to control it anymore, right? So, you know. And then you have the opposite, where actually I have a friend. Actually, we went to school together, and I was her mother got dementia, and her mother was very mean. We all got her mother. Oh, and she goes, Daddy, dementia has been a gift.
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Mother is so so nice now and soft spoken, right? So on occasion, we see that shift, but normally we see the other Right,
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yeah, escalate and exacerbates. Yeah, right, exactly.
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So I think the motivation for the book was to bring to people's attention.
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There's more beneath the behavior than we that we acknowledge, and I think it's best that, well, these are all the possibilities. This is what could be happening will help us be able to manage the behaviors better, but more importantly, to really, truly understand we're not just dealing with the behaviors we're dealing with the whole person. You know, I'm, you know, 66 years old. I have 66 years of history. Don't know how old you are, but there's 63
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I'm right behind you. Yeah, there's an
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accumulation of history. We can't dismiss that, because they got so somebody's nine. 9090, years of history. 88 years of history. We cannot dismiss the person and the history that is a part of who they are, even when they get dementia.
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So, yeah, no.
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Great point. I'm just wondering in your book, like, let's say you did have a history of neglect or sexual abuse or physical abuse, is there? Is your do you have to read your whole book, cover to cover? Can you just go in and look at a chapter that's on, you know, abusive family history kind of thing?
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And, yeah, that's a great question. Yes, the book is, is, is thick, and it's got many pages, and so we spent a lot of time that you don't have to read the book all the way from the beginning to the end. You go to the you go to the topic that's interest of you. You can go straight to it right or table of contents is, you know, six pages. So you can, you know what the issue is, you go straight to it. You can go right to that content. And you don't have to read the book all the way from the beginning to the end. You go through it as you need. But the content and what we broke the book down so that you could identify immediately. This is what I need, this. This is what I need to read. And you can go straight to it without having to go from beginning all the way to the end to find it. It's right there, right? Okay, that's great. Yeah, we took the time to make that, make that easier for it, because we know, I know family caregivers are gonna be like, Oh my god, this is like, you know, the 36 hour day, but, yeah, you don't have much time. Yeah. So I want to make it super simple.
00:31:42.039 --> 00:31:54.279
This is the issue you're struggling with. Boom, it's on page 125 you know, or this is something that I'm interested in. Boom, it's on page 65 and you just read what speaks to you at that time.
00:31:56.079 --> 00:32:20.220
So this is a really good point. I mean, oftentimes we say, you know, listen for the feeling, not the actual content of a person with dementia, you know, and what you're saying, you're what you're expressing. It's the feeling that you're trying, you know, the reassuring feeling you're the nurturing feeling you're trying to get across. But you're really saying to really, like, look at the content too.
00:32:20.759 --> 00:32:36.079
Not just, yeah, look at the content. Think about the content, yeah, and try to come up, you know, listen for themes that you know, in your, you know, relationship with your spouse, that we're we're there in their family history,
00:32:36.439 --> 00:32:39.919
there's themes.
00:32:36.439 --> 00:33:02.098
And again, it's what is said and how it said there's some specifics that trigger. I just, I don't assume, right? Not every single person is going to, you know, have the same reaction, right? But I'm listening to what is being said and what happens with caregivers and professionals. Is, we dismiss it, word doesn't make sense.
00:33:02.098 --> 00:34:05.219
This is illogical. It's irrational. And I think we need to spend more time hearing because often we will hear what it is we need to know, but we're so quick to dismiss it because it's not true or it's hurtful, it's very hurtful. It's really hard not to take it personally, right? So I'm just trying to teach people to listen differently. And one other thing I want to add to this this discussion is when the brain fails and words fail, what remains alive always is their soul, and we can always speak to the soul. When I have lots of information on how we can speak to the soul, many ways, we've got sensory grounding, tapping into the different senses, but people get so caught up in you can't rationalize, you can't use logic. But I can connect and talk to their soul. I can meet them their soul, their heart stays alive.
00:34:05.519 --> 00:34:07.859
Yeah, the soul does not get dementia.
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:19.559
No, no, no, it does not. And so when words fail, or, you know, the logic and the rationalization, then now we speak to the soul.
00:34:19.619 --> 00:34:27.980
Now are you talking about words on both sides? Are you talking about words of the person with dementia and also the caregiver?
00:34:24.079 --> 00:34:53.199
So oftentimes, like the person with dementia has aphasia, oftentimes, right? So oftentimes there's word salad, and sometimes they literally, they are not coherent much of the time. But then there are sentences that come out that are coherent, and you think, oh, okay, right, they're bad, you know? Oh, but. And you're also talking about when words fail from the care, right? The caregiver, when words fail, and we're just using
00:34:53.920 --> 00:34:55.659
where it's both,
00:34:56.440 --> 00:35:50.800
it's both, caregivers will say to me, I don't understand a word. My loved one is saying to me, because of what you just suggested, right? The evasion, word salad, you don't have to understand. You see their body language. You see what their you know what their facial expressions are. You hone in on that. And I can maybe, you know, depending if this is not a person who's had abuse, I might put my hand on their hand to reassure them. I got this, you know, I'm here for you, and a non verbal speaks volumes when, when words don't right. So a smile, you know, coming in and sitting quietly next to them, putting your arm around them, holding hands. There's so many non verbal ways of connecting with our with the person living with dementia that we forget because we focus so much on the words. We focus on the words.
00:35:50.860 --> 00:35:55.000
And I always say non verbal can be more powerful than words.
00:35:55.179 --> 00:35:56.079
Absolutely.
00:35:56.139 --> 00:36:07.679
Yeah, the woman I was describing within the fear based family, she had, there was a look of terror in her eyes, and she couldn't she had a face.
00:36:05.039 --> 00:36:14.699
She has a facial so she would point, like, see the guys over there, you know, that kind of thing. Or do you hear that?
00:36:11.820 --> 00:36:14.699
Yeah, but you couldn't say it.
00:36:14.699 --> 00:36:32.360
And just that look of like deer in the head, like that fearful look in her eyes, you know, and just arm around the shoulder, like, you know, I'm reassuring this, yeah, I'm gonna protect good. Yeah, I'm going to protect you Exactly, yep.
00:36:32.358 --> 00:36:57.938
And you know what, I'm going to make sure nobody hurts you. Thank you for letting me know. I i see sure they Right, exactly right. Yeah, it's, you know, it's almost like put yourself in their shoes, and what would I want, right? Yeah, right. I mean, this sounds silly, but, and I do this now, when I do speaking events, I am writing a list of if I get demented, these are the things you need to know. Yeah, right.
00:36:57.998 --> 00:37:02.818
And these are the things I need that would make me feel safe and secure, right, right?
00:37:02.940 --> 00:37:10.980
These are the issues that were in my family history, so they might come up when, yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's
00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:59.739
that reassurance. We are now the protector. You know, I'm I said it earlier. We are the bridge between the past and the present, and my presence makes all the difference in the world, right? My being a solid person that you can count on and trust because I have trust issues or I am so incredibly fearful, my grounding helps to reset them, right? But if I'm arguing and I'm challenging them and I'm questioning them and I'm testing them, is going to amp up a lot of conflict and tension between you and the person you live with that you're taking care of, right? I do want to go on record. I don't expect anybody, I don't expect anybody, to walk away and do this perfectly.
00:37:57.699 --> 00:37:59.739
There is
00:38:01.420 --> 00:38:27.260
no such big learning curve Absolutely. And you know what? We're not all cut out for this. I've had people say that. I've had clients and I've had support group members say I'm not that person I and I never will be. I it's just not me, right? And that's okay, yeah, and that's okay, and they feel bad about it, but it's okay recognize your limitations, and that's what I say. You know your limitations, and that's good.
00:38:27.380 --> 00:38:34.219
That's a good thing. So if you're not that patient, caregiver, or you just don't want to do all this, it's okay, exactly.
00:38:34.219 --> 00:39:08.639
Yeah. And I bring people permission my book to acknowledge that as well, right? Because we get stuck in these family expectations, cultural expectations, you know, religious expectations, and it can feel emotionally trapped the caregiver. Like, I don't want to do this. My heart's not in it. I am and resentful. Talk about resentment, right? That comes to the surface a lot, right? Like, this is not the person I married. I don't want that this is not, no, I yeah, I can't do this. I can't go here. That's okay, right? That's okay, right?
00:39:08.639 --> 00:39:17.039
So I don't want anybody to walk away after listening from our conversation today, to expect that we expect more from them.
00:39:17.280 --> 00:39:52.659
We're just trying to equip them with insight and tools and strategies and understanding that might help this journey, make this journey better for the caregiver as well as the person they're taking care of and the families. You know, the whole family unit is affected by this, then you have these family dynamics that come to the surface and, oh, by the way, there's plenty of that mentioned in the book to put these family dynamics that come to the surface. So there's just a lot of dynamics. We're not it's not just about the person with dementia. It pushes a lot of buttons in many different ways.
00:39:53.139 --> 00:39:58.960
That's a whole nother podcast family dynamic, right? Yeah, right. So we can, we can get to that next time.
00:39:59.139 --> 00:40:02.219
Yes, no. It will make a note of that. I'll make a note of that.
00:40:02.340 --> 00:40:05.280
Yeah, so tell us, how do we get your book?
00:40:05.579 --> 00:40:17.880
Yeah, so it's on Amazon. And again, it's dementia caregiving and personal history, how to help cope, connect and heal. And then my, my first one is on there as well, right?
00:40:17.940 --> 00:40:37.099
Essential strategies for the dementia caregiver, learning to paste yourself, P, A, C, E, so both of those you can get on Amazon, right? Yeah, and it's an audible. We're just finishing up the audible for this book, The my new book, The dementia caregiving and personal history.
00:40:33.980 --> 00:40:40.360
So hopefully by the time this airs, the audible of that will be up as well.
00:40:40.659 --> 00:40:44.380
Oh, wow, are you narrating? No, I'm not. Oh, okay,
00:40:44.619 --> 00:40:49.119
yeah, I have a professional voice over who you do, right?
00:40:49.239 --> 00:41:11.579
Okay, that's great. Tammy, great to have you back. Thank you so much for educating us on your new book. I can't wait to get my hands on it. I know it's just out there, so I'm thrilled thank you for taking the time to come and talk to me and our listeners. I am so grateful to you, and I can't thank
00:41:11.579 --> 00:41:21.380
you enough. It's always a pleasure to do a podcast with you, and thank you for having me again as a guest, and thank you for what you do.
00:41:17.699 --> 00:41:29.000
The podcast makes a difference in the lives of those who are listening and truly, I want to sincerely thank you for everything you do as well.
00:41:30.019 --> 00:41:32.900
Thank you. All right. Have a great day.
00:41:40.280 --> 00:42:30.800
Thank you for joining us today on another episode of dementia discussions. If you're a caregiver or know someone who's a caregiver that would like to be a guest on the show, please call me at 310-362-8232, or go to dementia discussions.net. Forward, slash contact and let me know. I would love to have you remember that you can follow dementia discussions on Apple podcasts, Spotify Google podcasts and many more. If you listen on Apple podcasts, it would mean a lot if you would leave me a review for any other information about this podcast. Please visit me at dementia discussions.net and please share this podcast with someone you know, if you think it may help. Thanks again for listening, and I'll see you here again next time on dementia discussions.
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